What are the two main ingredients to form a relationship?

For whatever reason, the universe has decided to bring forth friends and strangers to me to discuss their mid- life crisis and somewhere along the way that triggered something in me and now I think I’ve began the same stage. I can’t believe that I’m going to be 25 in September. Damn. 25. That’s half way to 50. But it could be worse and I could be half way to 60. Just kidding. I’ve covered several topics under the mid- life crisis umbrella over the past couple of weeks, with numerous people covering their profession, school, moving to another city, finances, family, and the ever so popular- love. I’ve heard some of the most insanely heart breaking stories, but have also heard some of the most euphoric heart warming stories. It’s amazing how both the mind and the heart work and how they can react completely different from one another.

Continue reading →

What are you thankful for?

 

Thanksgiving is finally around the corner! Some of us aren’t as elated as this is always a reminder that the ensuing year is almost a month away. It’s a time to see that one cousin that we never want to see, hear your aunt call someone in your family fat, wear sweatpants, and stretch for Black Friday as to hurdle over other customers that were trampled by mothers.. with their babies in their arms. Continue reading →

Marriage is for the both of you- go figure?

**Cue the most cliche marriage song of the past year: Bruno Mars- “Marry You”

Many of us have read the article “Marriage Isn’t for you” floating around the social networking space the past couple days where the author, Seth, states “that marriage isn’t for you.  Continue reading →

10 Differences between dating a Boy vs. a Man

Why is that women of today’s world are attracted to the assh*les, the player, the unavailable boy, the “bad” boy, etc.? Is this evidence that chivalry is indeed dead and that the next “best” thing are men who embody qualities of those titles? Continue reading →

Dating is like musical chairs

I know I haven’t been blogging much but I guess that’s what happens when you’re occupied by life’s wonders. I promise I’ll be better and I don’t make promises I can’t keep.

I came across this TED talk a couple days ago where Meg Jay talks about “Why 30 is not the new 20” which encompasses topics such as love, career, education, personal development and so forth. Towards about half way point of the TED talk, she speaks upon how dating is like musical chairs and I couldn’t believe how much I agreed with that statement. It took some time for me to process what it really meant but as she began elaborating on her point, I began to relate more and more to it. Below is an excerpt of the TED talk along with the actual video for your viewing pleasure:

“Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs. Everybody was running around and having fun, but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off and everybody started sitting down. I didn’t want to be the only one left standing up, so sometimes I think I married my husband because he was the closest chair to me at 30.

Okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake, the stakes are very high. When a lot has been pushed to your 30s, there is enormous thirty something pressure to jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up, and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time. Many of these things are incompatible, and as research is just starting to show, simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.”

As someone that is in their early/mid 20’s (I feel hella old but look like I’m just hitting puberty), I find that those around me (including myself sometimes) use age as an excuse rather than a motivation or platform (launchpad if you will). Whether it be in regards to school, a career, or finding a partner, I’m constantly being reminded by my peers that they’re still young and have a ways to go until they really need to work on those items. What happens when you reach your late 20’s and then you finally realizes you’re 30? What do you have to show for it? Instead of using age as an excuse, young adults should be using it as a motivation to get a head start. YOYO (You’re only young once). This is the time to make as many mistakes as possible and to learn from those mistakes. I’m constantly reminded by the media that there are teenagers (who can’t even watch a rated “R” movie legally, yet alone drink), who are building these starts ups and creative these innovative products. My assumption is the last thing on their mind is that they’re “still young”.

“The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one, and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work. Picking your family is about consciously choosing who and what you want rather than just making it work or killing time with whoever happens to be choosing you.”

Dating is very much like musical chairs because as Meg Jay pointed out, we don’t realize that there is only one chair left until the music stops. The last thing you should be is a convenience to someone and you should not be choosing your partner or your career based on a convenience. Never settle. You need to able to work on yourself and be extremely secure before working on any sort of a relationship. Consider these as prerequisites before getting into a relationship because what I see as a common denominator across most “honeymoon relationships” is that once the fog clears and the butterflies subside, there still lies those insecurities which become prominent the remainder of the relationship. Jealous, dishonesty, miscommunication, misunderstanding, etc. are just several of the many traits that are not displayed within the first weeks/months of the relationship and can be detrimental if you’re not honest with yourself or your partner.

I’ve always compared an adult in their 20’s to a child’s first 5 years out of their mother’s womb (before this TED talk). This is the time when you’re most exposed to the “adult life” just as a child is exposed to the world within their first years. You’re introduced to 401K’s (I still don’t understand the intricacies of this), rent, car payments, and other responsibilities you wish you didn’t had prior to your 20’s. What’s important is that you act as a sponge and absorb all this information. You’re only able to access to 10% of your brain’s information (I wouldn’t be surprised if it was slightly less for men), so why not pile it up with as much information as possible?

“Thirty is not the new 20, so claim your adulthood, get some identity capital, use your weak ties, pick your family. Don’t be defined by what you didn’t know or didn’t do. You’re deciding your life right now.”

You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

 

I’m sure the initial thought of when you read the title of this post either made you smile or scared the heck out of you. That’s exactly what it should have done.

Who are the 5 people that you spend the most time within a 24 hour period? Maybe it’s not 5, but lets select at least 3 for this exercise. I’m assuming that amongst this group will include family, friends, colleagues, or even a spouse, correct? What are they doing with their lives?  How ambitious, successful, optimistic, or happy are they? Are they a positive force in your life? Do they uplift you? Do they challenge you? Do they see the good in people? I’m hoping that all 5 of these people in your life do so, but the reality is that not all of them do.

The older we get the more we begin to understand that people change (including ourselves), and for most of us it’s a realization that is hard to swallow. Why do people change? Values. What I consider an ideal night out now is definitely not what I considered an ideal night out 5 years ago and what I look for in a woman now is not what I looked for in a woman 5 years ago either. We also need to consider our environment because the environment always wins. You need to be conscious of where you spend your time and who you spend your time with. If you don’t feel that these people and places are substantially elevating your game and inspiring you to be bigger and better, then you need to find new people and places to be. Here’s a great exercise that I stole from another article which will help you assess what kind of people you surround yourself with and what environments you’re in:

Write down the 5 people you spend the most time with and the 3 environments you spend the most time in.

In regards to people, rate each of them on a scale of 1-10 in these categories (and don’t worry… they won’t see this):

Wealth consciousness (1-10)
Up to BIG things (1-10)
Encouraging & positive (1-10)
Health conscious (1-10)

In regards to your environment, rate each place on a scale of 1-10 in these categories:

Feels abundant (1-10)
Clean (1-10)
Good energy (1-10)
Positive & uplifting(1-10)

An 8 (for each) should be your bottom line. No less…

YES… it will be difficult to change.
YES… it will be worth it.
YES… the types of people and environments you’ve always dreamed about are out there.

You simply need to be conscious, courageous, and caring enough realize what isn’t working and make a commitment to find the type of people and places that will lift you up.

Then average your scores together in each category for each environment and person.

The most difficult part of this saying is not knowing what to do with family or friends that have been there for years (or your entire life). Do you just leave them because they don’t share the same values as you? Like they say, “it gets lonely at the top.” I’m going to go against societies norm and say that regardless of who they are, it’s your choice. You have the choice in surrounding yourself with people that will radiate positivity in your life or surrounding yourself with people that will continue to be a black cloud above you and your future. I’m sure some of you are thinking, “Christian, you’re such a douche for leaving those people behind.” I’m fine with that. With that being said, know that my parents are definitely 2 of those 5 people. I’ve adopted the saying that, “if they’re not lifting you up, they’re pulling you down.” All I ask for from people that I spend time with are that they are a positive force in my life. Now, the top 5 people in my life must contribute more than that because I know that if they’re not challenging me to be a better person and just as ambitious and goal- oriented as myself, I’ll accept the position I’m in and that’s the last thing I want and need.

Mediocrity is and never will be an option. When you settle for less, you place a glass ceiling above your head and you begin to tell yourself that you’ve exhausted all efforts in reaching the top. The closer you get to the top, the more you realize that there is no “top.” When you surround yourself with people that are your backbone, your foundation, and your rock, you’re already one step ahead of everyone else. You decide the people and the environment you’re in and I highly suggest that you begin assessing these variables if you haven’t already. Are you not where you want to be? Do you feel that the people currently in your life are not as enthusiastic in your future? Are you satisfied with just being content? Are you blinded by other people’s perceptions and beliefs?

I want to take the time to personally thank the 5 people I spend the most time with. I won’t drop any names since I might offend some people, but they know who they are. They know who they are because I’m sure I’m on their list as well. Thank you for always telling me things that I may not necessarily want to hear but need to hear. Thank you for being that positive force in my life and continually pushing me to not only do better but be better. Thank you for believing in me when I may not have believed in myself. Thank you for being my foundation and loving me for me- imperfections and all. Thank you for steering me in the direction that I may not know I should be in. Last but not least, thank you for your unconditional love. Without these people in my life I wouldn’t be where I am today and I’m forever grateful for their presence. Take the time to tell those 5 people in your life that you appreciate them. A little gratitude goes a long way.

Hi, my name is Christian.

The inspiration for this post actually came from a fellow blogger of mine, Bruna, who recently wrote an article about her story entitled, “My name is Bruna and I’m deeply flawed” (I know I know, way to get real creative with the title of your post Christian). For many of us, we rely on numerous avenues in order to vent our emotions and thoughts. Some of us might go for a run, others might speak to family members, friends, or a significant other. Fortunately for myself, I have a myriad of options which helps me get things off my chest. Today, it’s writing.

Some of you may know me, some may know of me, and some may actually can care less who I am, but the intention of this post is to really let you know a little bit of who I am and I commend those of you who are taking the time out of your busy days to read this. Today, you are my therapist whether you like it or not. You’re welcome. (Yes Ginger, I stole your line).

I don’t want this to come off as an autobiography but I’m certain that it will somehow transcend into something similar.

I’m an only child and I was raised by royalty. I’m sure most of you are assuming that by “royalty” I was referring to riches, right? Right. However, not the riches that you may be acquainted with. My parents were, and still are, rich with love which is by far more valuable than anything that money can by.

“Some people are so poor, all they have is money.”

I was blessed enough to come from two of the most compassionate, loving, supportive and understanding parents that anyone could ask for and I definitely could not be where I am today if it weren’t for their guidance and brutally honest advise that I never wanted to hear, but needed to hear. I’ve always struggled with feeling accepted, whether it be at school, amongst my peers, or even within my family and I never could understand that feeling since I’ve always had the most amazing friends and family. When people chose to walk out of my life, I somehow subconsciously blamed myself for their decisions and it always baffled me as to why I would think something so preposterous. It wasn’t until I actually had a conversation with my mother a couple years back that I was able to identify where this feeling was being stemmed from- I’m adopted.

I was raised with the mentality that I can have anything that I can want. Anything you name it, I was always empowered to go get it. Who else would stop me? What do I have to lose? I find that the majority of time we have the tools in order to be successful, but we let ourselves get in the way of what we want. Granted some of us face steeper obstacles than others, but I’ve also found that opportunities are rarely offered and more commonly seized.  You really have to assess where your time is being spent and how you can allocate more time and energy towards what you want. Whether it be a college degree, a career, a new pair of shoes, or even a significant other. Depending on how much you want something will be solely dependent on how much time you invest in it. You should always consider yourself as the exception and not the rule.

“The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.”

Like most of us, we’ve fallen in love, fallen out of love, broke hearts, had our hearts broken,  thought something was there when it really wasn’t and so forth. For those of you that have known me long enough to know all the women I’ve been in a relationship with (4- this number is debatable. Don’t ask.), know that I’ve accepted how things unfolded as each relationship came to an end. Some people hold grudges, some try to seek revenge, some are bitter, etc., but hate in your heart will consume you too. I’m actually glad that I dated women that were completely wrong for me and I would encourage you do the same. Why? Because now you know what you don’t want which may be as valuable if not more valuable than knowing what you do want. Go out with someone unexpected and see what happens. You could fall in love with that one quality that you never really noticed. You might be surprised at just whom you fall for. Even if you end up turned off and bored with the person, at least you have a funny story to tell. According to the book, “The Secret”, you attract whatever you put out into the world, so go out there with an open mind and you might actually be that person that someone else falls in love with. The law of attraction never fails.

“Life is not about weathering the storm, it’s learning to dance in the rain.”

Don’t let anyone be your anchor. The older we get the more susceptible we become to growing apart from those that you were once close to. This is typically rooted from what you value as opposed to what others value. I know for myself, I have friends that are still concerned about what club they’re going to this weekend or what person they’re hooking up with tonight and that was once was me (hard to believe huh? Ok, maybe not). I don’t knock them for having those motives but that just isn’t the person I am anymore. That was a phase in my life where I didn’t know who I was nor did I know what I wanted so all those things were just ways to cover my insecurities. What I slowly realized is that those were just bandaids and did not provide an actual solution. What I consider a perfect night out is dinner and drinks with friends at a low key restaurant followed by reading and a glass of vino to end the night. I’m definitely an old soul. I know. I get it. If you want something and it’s not of the norm or is not accepted by your peers, don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t have it. If what you want is in the open seas, swim out to get it with or without people by your side. Life is too short to be anything but happy and you need to able to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.

I was actually going to suggest 20 things you should do in your 20’s but elitedaily.com actually wrote an article earlier this month that pretty much aligns with what my thoughts were. Here they are and I’ve also provided the link receive additional clarification.
http://elitedaily.com/life/20-things-you-need-to-do-in-your-20s/

1. Be you.
2. Struggle.
3. Eat whatever the f*ck you want.
4. Date someone completely wrong for you.
5. Do something completely for thrill, maybe more than once.
6. Keep moving.
7. Travel the world.
8. Love your parents, thank and repay them.
9. Spend good, quality time with your family.
10. Mend the open wounds.
11. Meet a sh*t ton of new people.
12. Make unforgettable memories.
13. Continue to follow your dreams.
14. Be a sponge.
15. Pick up a new hobby.
16. Don’t dwell on the negatives.
17. Give back.
18. Cherish the people that have always been there.
19. Trust only a few.
20. Live in the moment, without fear or expectation of the future.

Juice Cleanse

Soooooo I decided to go on this juice cleanse with several of my co-workers earlier this week and it was arguably the worst decision I’ve made this year. I would like to think that food and I are just made for each other and when you try to separate us, I clearly have withdrawals. I actually thought I was going to do relatively well, but I guess I have no one to blame but myself… since it was my choice. You definitely need to prepare yourself for something like this and ease into the cleanse. The night before my cleanse and I had a pretty large chicken salad along with some rosemary potatoes. I mean, I thought I was easing into it… I didn’t have as many carbs as I would. That’s a start, right?! Wrong.

The first day was most definitely the worst because your body is essentially is in shock and you become extremely lethargic from not consuming the sugars, carbs, caffeine, etc. that you’re typically used to. I slept 12 hours that night I was so exhausted (but like a baby). The second and third day (today is my last day. Thank God.) were not as bad in terms of feeling lethargic but I did have a pretty annoying headache which still has not gone away. I’m convinced that once I have a carb or ten (yes, ten) the headache will go away and I’ll be sure to update everyone if that is what resolves the headache. Granted, I did stay strong and I did not give into temptation, albeit the fact that my co- workers so graciously decorated my work space the second day with candies, chips, pretzels, animal crackers, etc.

(Yes, that is a heart made out of pretzels- thanks, ladies)

Now, would I ever do this again? NO. I’m only saying this because of my unconditional love for food and I just don’t believe I should make myself suffer. However, I would recommend you trying it if you haven’t already. If I didn’t try it, I wouldn’t know that it was the worst decision I’ve made recently. For those of you that are able to do this multiple times a year for longer periods of time, I definitely commend you for your discipline and ability to resist temptation. Below is the “Juicery” we used named Kreation along with tips to consider before taking upon this challenge. Happy juicing! .. or not 🙂

Kreation
http://kreationjuice.com/ 

Tips
http://altmedicine.about.com/od/detoxcleansing/a/juice_fasting.htm 

We build too many walls and not enough bridges

Build a bridge and get over it.

How many times have we heard this and had absolutely no clue what it meant? Literally speaking, it’s much easier to build a wall than a bridge but then again you have to assess how long is this bridge or how high is this wall. That’s besides the point. While walls separate and protect us, bridges connect not just individuals but communities as well. Why do we feel that it’s easier to build walls as opposed to bridges? I believe that are animalistic tendencies instinctively tells us that we should always have our guard up, hence, the wall.

Walls not only protect us but they isolate us from all external people. When we build walls we need to understand that although nothing can come in, nothing can go out as well. We build walls because we don’t want to let just anyone into our lives, but once we find those that are worthy, they spend more time trying to break down that wall instead of learning about all the beautiful things you have to offer. Is that a bad thing? Eh, that’s subjective because it will depend on the person, the relationship (friendship, romantic, family, etc.), the situation, etc., so I wouldn’t be quick to say that it consistent across who you may ask. The intent of a wall is to act as a defensive mechanism so that you don’t let others inside. I’m actually all up for putting walls but I do believe that that there should be a door in which you’re able to let in (and out) whomever and whatever you please (couldn’t think of a better workaround). You should be mysterious and you should not let just anyone into your life because I’ve realized that the older you get, the less it becomes about quantity but more about quality. You want to be able to let those around you who deserve to be in your life inside and keep those who are not as deserving out.

On the other side of the spectrum we have bridges which typically take longer to form but the intent is to merge two sides in order to get one side to the other and vise versa. But why are so eager to build more walls and not enough bridges? It’s not supposed to be easy, it wouldn’t be worth it if was. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither will these bridges. Yes, you are more susceptible to letting external people that you don’t want it, but what you gain is much more valuable than that. An amazing friend or even a spouse might be right in front of you and instead of bridging yourself with that other person, you’re secluding yourself and your feelings which can and most likely will be self- detrimental. Life is all about choices and calculated risks and I guarantee that you don’t want to miss out on a experience because of a “wall”. Your choices will be dependent on what you want and you should only worry about the things that you’re able to control. Everything that you’re not able to control is not worth your anxiety, stress, or worries. Life is complicated as it is, your choices are meant to mitigate that.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression

First impressions are everything.

When you first meet someone, you’re never really “you”, but  an ambassador of yourself. In more simple terms, you have an alternate identity that you use to represent yourself, but more times than not, that’s not actually you. Depending on who you’re introducing yourself to will dictate how eloquent you speak, your attitude, your tone of voice, the way you shake hands, an even how you introduce yourself. For example, if you’re introducing yourself to a colleague, you’re going to give a firm handshake, make eye contact, smile, straighten your posture, and probably throw in a “yes sir” or “yes ma’am” for good measure. Now if you’re introducing yourself to a friend of a friend at a party, bar, etc. you’re probably not going to be as firm with the handshake, won’t care about your posture, and lead with “what’s up man?” or “How do you know…”. This will obviously vary based on the occasion or who you’re speaking to, but the point is first impressions matter.

Carol Goman wrote an article for Forbes a few years back that I bookmarked which covers what you need to do in order to make a solid first impression in seven seconds. Based on these nonverbal cues, one can make several computations including: “Are you someone to approach or to avoid? Are you friend or foe? Do you have status and authority? Are you trustworthy, competent, likeable, confident?.” To sum up the article, here are several nonverbal cues you can do to make a positive first impression:

1. Adjust your attitude
2. Straighten your posture
3. Smile
4. Make eye contact
5. Raise your eyebrow
6. Shake hands
7. Lean in slightly

Now how does this translate into dating? Great question! I may not know what to do, but from experience I can tell you what not to do- which may be just as (if not more) valuable.

Although I’ve been distant from the dating scene for awhile, I think I’ve finally mastered the art of the “first impression”. This may be contradictory to the fact that I’m still single but lets imagine that my relationship status was insignificant for this topic. Whether you’re out painting the town red or this is your first date with another person, what you wear is arguably the most important thing. This is where judging a book by a cover matters- yea, I went there. Gentlemen, a dapper suit for women is equivalent to what lingerie is for us. Dress to impress: make sure you’re groomed, collared shirt (tucked in), slacks, and some wingtip shoes should do the trick. Granted, adding subtle accessories such as suspenders, a tie (bow tie), colorful socks, and a watch will let the woman know that you mean business. The goal of dressing nice is to show that you put some effort into the date. Now that you’re ready for the date, what do you do?

• Open the door. Every. Door. The car door, restaurant door, movie door, apartment/house door, etc. 
• PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY. If you’re on a date, nothing tells the other person how uninterested you are than by being on your phone.
• Always be on time. This isn’t a party or a birthday dinner. Being punctual will set the tone for the rest of the date especially if the other party is impatient.
• Focus on her. She is the only person in the room. If she doesn’t feel like you’re engaged, she will lose interest. I know.
• Smile and make eye contact. The eyes are the window to the soul and your smile must be the brightest in the room.
• Don’t tell her your life story. Keep her wanting more. The mysterious type always seems to be the most attractive. Don’t leave all your cards on the table.
• Pay. Ladies, we know you’re capable of paying but you shouldn’t have to. Gentlemen, you pay for the entire date. None of this “let’s go halfsies” crap- you’re not in a relationship yet.
• Listen, don’t just hear. There’s a vast difference between hearing and listening. Listening involves that you’re engaged in the conversation and you’re asking questions to show that you’re paying attention and you’re not just staring at her breasts.
• Relax. This isn’t a job interview. Be you. Own whoever you are and say everything with your chest (Kevin Hart voice).