For whatever reason, the universe has decided to bring forth friends and strangers to me to discuss their mid- life crisis and somewhere along the way that triggered something in me and now I think I’ve began the same stage. I can’t believe that I’m going to be 25 in September. Damn. 25. That’s half way to 50. But it could be worse and I could be half way to 60. Just kidding. I’ve covered several topics under the mid- life crisis umbrella over the past couple of weeks, with numerous people covering their profession, school, moving to another city, finances, family, and the ever so popular- love. I’ve heard some of the most insanely heart breaking stories, but have also heard some of the most euphoric heart warming stories. It’s amazing how both the mind and the heart work and how they can react completely different from one another.
I’m sure we’ve all heard that very cliche saying, “My mind is telling me noooo but my bodyyy my booddyyy is telling me yess”. Oops that’s the wrong saying. My bad Mr. Kelly. The actual saying is “My mind is telling me no but my heart is telling me yes”. I guess it depends on the situation you’re in is when you’ll decide which one of those cliches that pertains to you. The point is that your mind and heart are very often on different pages (heck, they’re sometimes in different books), and our decisions can very easily make us seem like hypocrites. Go figure.
What typically happens when we find someone that we’re interested in? Usually, we begin evaluating them and assessing if they’re compatible with you. During the conversations with these people, I asked them what they typically look for in a significant other and of course I got the most common answers we hear from someone- successful, family oriented, ambitious, humorous, enjoys traveling, and so forth. I used this time to conduct a social experiment to see how many people chose the two most important ingredients in order to even begin a relationship. I supposed that I should’ve rephrased the question to, “what do you think it takes to begin a relationship?”.. actually, I should’ve. Sidebar: if you haven’t already noticed by the way that I type from this post and the previous ones, but I type like how I think. Sorry. Anyways, back to the topic. What we frequently take for granted or don’t consider when beginning a relationship is if the chemistry is there and if it’s the right timing. Maybe we do though. Maybe we just assume that we need both those things so we don’t even bring it up. Both of these things cannot be taught as you’re able to do with most personality traits and that’s probably why it’s the most important- because they’re not personality traits.
Vibin’ with someone (or chemistry for the less “hip” folks out there) is something that cannot be contrived. You don’t need any words or actions. It’s a natural connection between two people that requires no effort and is something that is overlooked in most situations. I think that we take it for granted in most cases since that’s something we assume we should have, yet we can never verbally express that we need that in order to establish a relationship (whether it be friendly or romantic). In several previous situations, I’ve found it difficult to express in one word why I got along so well with certain people but then it all came down to the chemistry we shared. All the mannerisms and nonverbal cues go a long way and that’s typically how we communicate with one another. Sometimes knowing that you got me and I got you is all you need. You don’t always need all that jargon to know that you like someone and in some (if not most) cases too much talking without action can be detrimental. There’s very few people (in comparison to the number of people you run into in life), that you have an immediate connection with and it can be with someone that you wouldn’t think you would have it with. We’re so quick to judge and stereotype others that we don’t communicate with certain people and don’t give ourselves a chance. To do what? To learn. To understand. To love.
Timing is everything. EVERYTHING. What I’ve come to learn in this very short life that I’ve lived thus far, is that you can’t force pants to fit that aren’t your size. This is both literal and figurative as we shouldn’t force something to work if it’s not meant to work. Granted, if you lose weight, then the pants will fit just right. This is exactly how it is in relationships. Like they say, “what’s the perfect person if it’s not the perfect time?”. Here is a scenario of what I mean:
Billy met Sally when he was 18 and they dated for 2 years before their relationship came to an end because Billy enjoyed going out and partying while Sally had her head in the books and rather do less social events during the night time. After they broke up, they didn’t talk to each other for 8 years. They ran into a coffee shop one day and it was as if they had never stopped talking to each other. Billy asked Sally out and after 4 years together, they got married and had kids.
Granted this scenario sounds like something that would be in corny movie or novel, but you get where I’m going with this. The age doesn’t define maturity and people go through stages of their lives at different points of their lives. I’m sure you’re currently experiencing this with your friends at the moment. You might be the person that is a homebody and a career while your friends are in college and partying until 3 in the morning. The most change in a person’s life is probably in their 20’s because they make that transition from college to a career to establishing a family and so forth (those aren’t the stages for everyone but I wanted to use that as an example). What also happens in your 20’s is that you’re trying to find yourself and what you want to do for the rest of your life, so you’re going through a plethora of emotions and let’s be honest, half of the time we don’t know what the heck we want… but we want it now. What usually happens is that people’s priorities and values change over the years based on the events that they endure, which is why people that may have not been compatible 5 years ago are now compatible. They’re on the same page. This is where acceptance and understanding comes in and knowing that you can’t change someone.
If you and a prior spouse haven’t worked out in the past, don’t be discouraged. If it’s meant to be, it will be and the only way to tell if it is meant to be is to give it time. Easier said than done… I know. Trust me. I know.
What I’ve seen in the past is that people try to change their spouse and when they figure out that they can’t, they move on. Stop it. Right now. There’s times where you need to compromise and would like to see the other person change for the better but it can very easily just be smoke and mirrors if they do. They’re not changing for themselves, they’re changing for you and if you truly love someone, that’s exactly what you don’t want.
Now I want pizza. So I will be getting pizza. #Summerbody
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